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literature
this is the way she walks
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Literature Text
the way she walks
smooth
unbreakable by design
threatening fingers on triggers
and then
short, simple, sweet
elegant even
a joy in confusion
in-or-out cemented corners
that you work all day
and this
is the way she walks
she walks
without haste and without care
she is the reason
they are there
she is the reason
they live for the dark
seeking a light,
a drink, a knife
to keep bad men away
like stinging swords in the back you cry
for more but in glorious memory they
cannot ever forget the smirk on your face
through pain
the brand upon your back reading love
as the dingy dungeon street set alight.
and wading through the urban waters
the way she walks
smooth
and they take her hand
walk her pace
they don't dare to throw her down.
not for a minute.
smooth
unbreakable by design
threatening fingers on triggers
and then
short, simple, sweet
elegant even
a joy in confusion
in-or-out cemented corners
that you work all day
and this
is the way she walks
she walks
without haste and without care
she is the reason
they are there
she is the reason
they live for the dark
seeking a light,
a drink, a knife
to keep bad men away
like stinging swords in the back you cry
for more but in glorious memory they
cannot ever forget the smirk on your face
through pain
the brand upon your back reading love
as the dingy dungeon street set alight.
and wading through the urban waters
the way she walks
smooth
and they take her hand
walk her pace
they don't dare to throw her down.
not for a minute.
I'll never forget the kid that thought I broke his PS1 by playing a CD in it.
© 2007 - 2024 Felix-Forever
Comments2
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the way she walks
smooth
unbreakable by design
this is a lovely start, I love the 's' sounds in "she/walks/smooth/design" it's very rhythmically sound.
swimming the street
the pull of a trigger--
This feels like an entirely different beginning to the one you started with. I find "swimming the street" a little bit overbearing, as you've just mentioned she walks smooth, which basically means she's gliding through. I would cut "Swimming the street" The reader is slightly confused when you mention a trigger. Consider redrafting or removing that image, replacing it with one that works as a transition.
joy through confusion
a moment you cannot understand
in or out of the cemented corners
you work all day
and this
is the way she walks
she walks
without haste and without care
she is the reason
they are there
-- "joy through confusion" I know what you mean here, but you're forcing your point a little.
Think carefully about the enjambment here. Also cut out some words, make it tight. Like "The" isn't always needed.
moments you cannot understand
in-or-out of cemented corners
you work all day
but still, I don't know what you're talking about?? Are you saying she works on the street corner or you do?
they live for the night
seeking a light,
a drink, a story, a
knife to keep bad men away
and the rush to yourself
like stinging swords in the back you cry
for more but in glorious memory they
cannot ever forget the smirk on your face
through pain
I don't like the forced rhyme here, because nothing else rhymes it sticks out like a sore thumb. I do like the "seeking a light" though. So here's an example, just a suggestion:
"they live
for eve, seeking
light, drink and a story--
a knife to keep bad men away"
I don't get what "and the rush to yourself" means. It needs some clarification.
like stinging swords in the back you cry
for more but in glorious memory they
cannot ever forget the smirk on your face
through pain
this is a bit ambiguous. What is this poem about, her you, them? Who are them? Why do they have swords,??
Where is your transition from "them and their swords" to "your smirk and through pain?" As a reader I'm getting bombarded with a balance of showing and telling, but I still can't connect because the images aren't as smooth as they could be. You could try breaking this up into stanza's, for the sake of redrafting, and then put it back together without the white space breaks. I like this listie style.
-a
smooth
unbreakable by design
this is a lovely start, I love the 's' sounds in "she/walks/smooth/design" it's very rhythmically sound.
swimming the street
the pull of a trigger--
This feels like an entirely different beginning to the one you started with. I find "swimming the street" a little bit overbearing, as you've just mentioned she walks smooth, which basically means she's gliding through. I would cut "Swimming the street" The reader is slightly confused when you mention a trigger. Consider redrafting or removing that image, replacing it with one that works as a transition.
joy through confusion
a moment you cannot understand
in or out of the cemented corners
you work all day
and this
is the way she walks
she walks
without haste and without care
she is the reason
they are there
-- "joy through confusion" I know what you mean here, but you're forcing your point a little.
Think carefully about the enjambment here. Also cut out some words, make it tight. Like "The" isn't always needed.
moments you cannot understand
in-or-out of cemented corners
you work all day
but still, I don't know what you're talking about?? Are you saying she works on the street corner or you do?
they live for the night
seeking a light,
a drink, a story, a
knife to keep bad men away
and the rush to yourself
like stinging swords in the back you cry
for more but in glorious memory they
cannot ever forget the smirk on your face
through pain
I don't like the forced rhyme here, because nothing else rhymes it sticks out like a sore thumb. I do like the "seeking a light" though. So here's an example, just a suggestion:
"they live
for eve, seeking
light, drink and a story--
a knife to keep bad men away"
I don't get what "and the rush to yourself" means. It needs some clarification.
like stinging swords in the back you cry
for more but in glorious memory they
cannot ever forget the smirk on your face
through pain
this is a bit ambiguous. What is this poem about, her you, them? Who are them? Why do they have swords,??
Where is your transition from "them and their swords" to "your smirk and through pain?" As a reader I'm getting bombarded with a balance of showing and telling, but I still can't connect because the images aren't as smooth as they could be. You could try breaking this up into stanza's, for the sake of redrafting, and then put it back together without the white space breaks. I like this listie style.
-a